Starting the conversation
Distress can often be sensed by loved ones.
The use of words at this time can make matters better or worse.
A careful balance of care and responsibility is needed in our approach.
The pain of a loved one can be exacerbated by the dense distancing of silence or feeling judged by those around them. Our responsibility in supporting loved ones who are struggling is to be available when needed, which is easier said than done.
In an ideal world, we would be able to push aside our own thoughts, feelings, and reactions to be present to what is going on with them, have depth of understanding, and be kind and supportive speakers of wisdom and holders of space.
With family members and friends, it’s often not that simple. The utmost expression of care can come in different forms - sometimes it means expressing our love and inability to cope well with their issues, supporting them to find adequate support, communicating boundaries around unacceptable behaviour, or nudging them to see their pain from a different perspective. All are valid, contextually.
For those experiencing distress, intrusive thoughts and feelings might be building up with nowhere to go, words and expressions might be difficult to find, confusion and isolating could be setting in making it difficult to decipher reality from fantasy, and all of this can be happening in a mild unnoticeable way or an obvious expressive way.
Along with knowing what to say, we can look at what there is to say and who the best person is to say it. It’s the fine balance between knowing when to speak up and when to stay quiet and allow the process to unfold.
In working with young people over time, I’ve noticed that some take a while to open up, and others seem to have been waiting for a chance to offload. It’s not always predictable and changes from person to person. However, what I have understood is that regardless of the personality and process a distressed person is in - honesty and shared humanity go a long way.
When I haven’t known what to say, I’ve said just that. When I’ve been moved, angered, or saddened by something they’ve shared, I’ve expressed that. When I don’t support their behaviour or thinking on a specific topic, I’ve challenged it. Not out of authority, superiority, or a need to discipline, but from a place of shared humanity – sharing space and growing relationally.
We all contribute to each other’s growth in tremendous ways and that goes for the times we’re not at our best. Every expression is acceptable and valid in the moment as long as it doesn’t harm anyone - it doesn’t define the truth or the reality that follows – momentary expressions given airtime can then disappear into the ether.
Our psyche is vast, multidimensional, and often unexplainable. Our expressions cannot always be folded neatly into socially acceptable manners and politeness to maintain a status quo. Herein lies the downfall of expecting distress to dissipate without discharge. Of suppressing and repressing our ‘true’ thoughts and feelings that may stay true simply because we haven’t expressed them.
Starting a conversation with someone we love, about a vulnerable topic, is less about knowing what to say and more about knowing how to speak honestly with care, regardless of what is shared. The ‘right’ words might not land if they’re not true for us. The ‘wrong’ words might hit a spot that’s uncomfortable but needed for growth.
There’s no perfect way to go about supporting someone, but true presence and care is a great starting point, even if we don’t know what to say or how to say it. And to offer that to someone else, we must have offered it to ourselves first.
Written by Abha Dod
Reviewed by Annette Culpan
