Listening to hear
An embedded expectation is an agenda.
A preconceived notion is a decision.
With an agenda and a decision, what’s left to hear and consider?
“It’s all about communication” – is one of the most well-used phrases when it comes to discussions about healthy relationships. Though that phrase points to an important consideration, we are literally always in communication - even if we’re not saying much or communicating poorly.
Preparing for a successful conversation is about how we communicate and what foundations we put in place for mutual ground and open space. Listening skills are crucial, perhaps underrated, and sadly not widely acquired. Creating spaces that feel safe for people to express vulnerably, is often overlooked.
Active listening requires a subtle intention to understand, to listen for meaning, to put aside our own conclusions and remain open to new information. Sometimes when we receive information that is too difficult to process, or perhaps unexpected, we may freeze, flee, or default to a form of communication that protects our reality.
At a time when I was unwell, I reached out to some family and friends for a conversation about my mental health. I was shocked at the responses I received in a vulnerable moment of self-expression. In several circumstances, the default was to negate my experience entirely, based on surface level judgements about my life – likely because none of them knew what to do.
It’s a classic social norm – to encourage those suffering to, ‘pull up their socks and get on with it’, that it, ‘isn’t as bad as they’re thinking,’ or, ‘they’re just overthinking things’. This socially acceptable norm to minimise is quietly destructive. It can unfold into experiences of further isolation which is dangerous for those already feeling stuck in the dark.
Listening to hear is about the speaker feeling heard. To be truly witnessed in the moment, without judgement and advice, to be understood even if not agreed with, is often enough. Many times, we come to a deeper understanding of ourselves and reach conclusions of what’s right for us, just by being heard.
Asking open ended questions allows a person to share what’s present. Leaving space for pauses and silences allows a person to take up the space. Being present without distraction gives them an experience of being valued and worthy. Reflecting back what we have heard ensures our loved one knows they have been heard. We all hold great wisdom within to navigate our unique paths and overcome the obstacles that arise for us. A space to speak openly and freely can reveal the missing pieces needed to move forward with grace.
Although talking may not be enough to fully integrate and overcome trauma, it is a useful tool to understand thinking and perceptions, to uncover loopholes or blind spots, and to help someone feel less alone on the journey to recovery. If we are supporting someone we love and put in the time to learn and practice how to listen well, we are on the path to becoming an ally for them, and others in similar situations.
Written by Abha Dod
Reviewed by Annette Culpan
