Supporting a loved one
What if there’s nothing to do, per se?
What if we need to learn to be instead?
When a loved one is struggling, we might want to fix things, change things, stop things, or pretend they're not happening altogether. We may look for a way to address the problem - that will alleviate our discomfort - rather than support the needs of another. It is unfortunate yet understandable.
It's not easy to witness a loved one in distress - sometimes they might act out with us through emotional outbursts or coercive behaviour, other times they might withdraw completely and shut us out of their process. Their behaviour has an undeniable impact on us. It may weigh on our mind, sadden our heart and dampen our spirit.
I’ve worked with many families who isolate the issues of a loved one from their own experiences or their collective living environment. The truth is that to provide a healthy healing environment for a young person to flourish, the responsibility must be shared.
A suggestion I make to parents is for them to work with their children or receive complementary support for their own experiences. Trauma does not exist in isolation - it is often founded in our past experiences, our family histories, our ancestral lineage, and/ or our cultural and collective realities.
Further, supporting someone we love to overcome a mental, emotional, or traumatic obstacle, requires a few foundational principles: acceptance, patience, hope.
Acceptance is the first step - without it we continue denying or avoiding facts. Taking a step back from the situation and finding acceptance is the best way to begin being an ally and caring for ourselves as challenges arise. Feelings of helplessness, inadequacy, and fear are normal.
Patience is knowing that healing takes time. There are multiple factors that influence our state of mind, energetic capacity, and/ or overall health. No-one consciously chooses to suffer and be distressed. No-one is doing it on purpose. No-one is ‘just being lazy’ or ‘pretending’ to be unwell.
Ultimately, there is always hope – even if it’s a distant flicker of light, it’s there if we look for it. As we support those we love, we are called to be a placeholder for the hope they might have lost sight of. This is a sacred task. And it also requires us to be well supported in our own journey, as we care for someone who is hurting.
Sometimes this journey will mean having boundaries, listening without judgement, giving space, and/ or offering connection. It’s a dance between meeting our own needs and supporting others. This is much easier if we’re not doing it alone.
If we can move beyond the need to fix, view trauma within a broader frame and centre the principles of acceptance, patience and hope - we can be well placed to support our loved one on their healing journey.
Written by Abha Dod
Reviewed by Annette Culpan
