The Masks We Wear
Becoming curious about the masks we wear and why we wear them shines the light on how we have adapted to belong in the past. It’s important to begin by acknowledging that there is nothing wrong with wearing a mask. It doesn’t imply that we’re ingenuine or insufficient in our self-expression or way of being. There is nothing inherently wrong with us. Our masks are a natural adaptive mechanism designed to keep us safe.
If we investigate these masks, we discover how we learnt to survive in the environments we were raised in. Often, it’s the very same way our parents learnt to survive too. For example, the mask of bravado ensured survival in an environment where we couldn’t express sensitivity or vulnerability. The mask of ‘having it all together’ ensured survival in an environment that rewarded perfectionism or punished imperfection. The mask of humour ensured that the dark and dreary reality within us went unnoticed. The list goes on.
When we were young, we learnt that specific behaviours and expressions guaranteed acceptance and belonging within our families, communities, or social environments. We learnt this through our behaviours being rewarded with approval and connection or disapproval and disconnection. The impact of this feedback loop builds our system and shapes our personality over time.
By discovering what our masks are and what they have been protecting, we come to meet ourselves at a depth we may not have experienced before. By believing our own masks to be true, we protect ourselves from ourselves. We build intricate webs of identity structures that reflect psychological congruence. Why? Because that ensures acceptance and belonging. As social creatures, we need this to survive.
What lies beneath our mask is the very opposite of what our mask portrays. The very aspect of ourselves that we have learnt to associate with shame. Shame thrives in isolation and creates an impulse to hide. Wearing a mask protects what needs to stay hidden and remains active through the status quo feedback loop. If we’re aware and sensitive to this, we may feel the emptiness of living behind a mask, without true depth or intimacy in our relationships. Without feeling genuinely connected or known. Without experiencing true belonging.
Either way, discovering and uncovering our masks gives us a choice to use them when needed and begin to remove them when trust and safety is established and known. If we can do this with trusted family, friends, or companions, we open the door to a new kind of connection. One that can live in without the pressure of social norms and learnt behaviours. One that can be authentically driven to know and be known.
