Noticing the Signs
Distress is not always obvious. It’s not always straightforward.
Sometimes it’s subtle and can’t be seen.
Either way, it can be felt within – and is always trying to tell us something.
No distress signal is too big or too small to be curious about, to speak about, to reach out about. By silencing myself for decades before finally asking for help, I learnt many things the hard way.
Distress patterns rooted in traumatic events or circumstances, unless resolved, only get worse over time, not better.
The nature of signals is that they’re quietly pointing us towards our pain and in the direction of our recovery – they want to be acknowledged. If we ignore them or try to push through, then we’re asking for bigger signs and more painful consequences. Ultimately, our system is wanting to come back to balance and will do what it takes to help get us there.
In stressful or life-threatening situations, our systems adapt to keep us alive, but maladapted systems don’t create long term stability, inner security, or success. Living with unseen wounds does not mean they don’t exist or that they don’t matter.
The more I ignored and tried to hide my pain, the more it silently spoke to me and then started to show up in more obvious ways. Unresolved pain didn’t care if I just got my first job, or met a good partner, or wanted to travel and see the world - it didn’t care about my hopes and dreams – all it wanted was to be noticed (if that meant losing everything I had, so be it).
Sometimes our pain can be noticed in the world through our behaviour with others and the world at large, and other times it can be more internalised and noticeable only to ourselves. Unless we understand these signs and what they mean for us, we can often misunderstand ourselves or be misunderstood by others. This is why, without the right support, the journey can feel overwhelming and isolating.
Knowing what to look for starts with observing our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Signs of distress can show up in our body, our mind, our relationships, our life circumstances. They can show up as a one-off incident that is seemingly unexpected or as a pattern that we keep repeating, even if we don’t want to.
Obvious signs can be emotional outbursts of anger, sadness or panic, oversharing or emotional dumping, avoidance of people or situations, using substances to cope with the demands of life, experiencing nightmares or being easily startled, having intrusive thoughts or flashbacks, overwhelming anxiety or withdrawal and isolation.
Subtle signs can be easily dismissed as unimportant but remain an indication that change is needed. They can be feelings of self-doubt, shame, low mood, or numbness, a lack of interest in activities that used to be meaningful, avoiding emotional topics or only wanting to talk about something that happened in the past, procrastinating, ruminating, people-pleasing, over-working or over-exercising, restricting eating, chronic stress, digestion issues, fatigue, restless sleep, lack of focus, and/ or negative self-talk.
These signs disrupt our day-to-day life yet we can normalise them and ‘put up with them’ if we’re resistant to seeking out help. Some examples of both are acting out impulsively or not getting out of bed, skipping meals, refusing to play sports or go to dance class like we used to, excessive partying or avoiding time with family or friends, going to the liquor store or scoring drugs when overwhelmed or staying at home and self-harming, staying up all night or sleeping all day, keeping busy no matter what, being jumpy or clumsy, taking over conversations, being sick all the time, or getting pulled into the past through thoughts and feelings.
We can lay all these expressions of distress on a spectrum and we can either experience some or all of them.
It’s not straightforward, it’s not black and white.
Just as life keeps changing, the signs of distress can change to match external demands. No matter what your signs are, they’re valid, they’re important and they’re speaking to you. If we listen to these signs and see them as starting points of our recovery, we can hear the calling for acknowledgment of a problem, growth in self-understanding, and finding a new pathway forward.
-Written by Abha Dod
-Reviewed by Annette Culpan
